A bike what?

I don’t know if you’ve heard but America, along with many other nations, is experiencing an economic downturn, aka a recession. My beloved Oregon is in debt well beyond its receding hippie hairline. The state currently owes close to seven-hundred million bucks. In these hard times everyone is trying to scrape up some cash wherever they can; the city of Portland is no different. Several local lawmakers have recently proposed a bicycle registration fee. The $27 (or a proposed $54 every two years) fee would be for “adult” bike riders. The money acquired by this “registration fee” would go toward maintaining bike lanes, building more bike lanes, and supporting legislation for a $90 fine for people who tamper with bicycle identification numbers.

If I had to make a guess, these lawmakers (all four that are supporting the bill) don’t bike commute. I would bet that they probably live somewhere in the burbs and drive an SUV or minivan to work (there may be A Prius in the bunch). Aside from having to register a bike being total bullshit, it won’t work. Let me explain Portland’s bike culture for just a second. The majority of riders in the metro area aren’t exactly law abiding citizens, not in the conventional, “I pay my taxes” kind of way. Most of the Portland bike community is filled with fixie riding, skinny jean wearing, pocket lock sporting, tattooed, scab picking, helmetless hipsters. If there is one thing I know about hipsters, it’s this. . .they aren’t going to pay to register their bikes. They don’t even believe in paying for new clothes (but they will pay $60 for a ratty old shirt) let alone paying to ride their bike. . .around Portland of all places. I also don’t see the spandex clad, carbon fiber riding, clip-less wearing, Lance Armstrong wannabeing, roadies adhering some registration number to the side of their custom painted Orbea. Me (and many, many others). . .i’m stuck somewhere in between; with my east coast upbringing, southeast Portland residencing, Patagonia quick-dry pant wearing, courier bag shouldering, Samba footing, sprocket legging, and occasional helmet wearing-self.. But on top of sharing a love for my bike, I do share something with those listed above. . .i’m not paying any effing taxes, registration fees, or fines (minus those for breaking already established traffic laws) to ride my bike around Portland.

While I’m on the subject (not that I intend to talk about anything else), the bike registration process would allow motorists to report law breaking bikers, aka stop sign runners (guilty), red light rollers (gulity), sidewalk riders (not guilty, douche bag), and un-lit riders (not guilty, do you really trust drivers that much?). If I decide to break the law, and say run a stop light, who gets hurt? If my high school physics class serves me true. . .it’s me. That’s right, I’m the dead guy planted on the hood of a car or under the tires, not you, you fossil fuel consuming lazy bastard. If you aren’t going to report on your fellow tin can drivers for breaking the law why take it out on bikers? I have a theory, it’s called you’re jealous. Are you really concerned about my safety or are you just pissed because you have to sit in your warm, dry car while you wait for the light to turn green. I can assure you. . .you’d rather me run the light and be well in front than have to wait for me to get my pedals up to your speed. Am I wrong?

If the city is that desperate, desperate enough to tax the environmentally friendly, bus seat clearing, traffic reducing bike riders, why not hit up the pedestrians too? They happen to use both the sidewalks AND crosswalks. They even have their own traffic signals. Maybe the carbon dioxide emitters can report J-walkers too. I mean hell. . .most of them have been slighted by a biker already, why not just throw in a ped while we’re at it.

Since this isn’t going to make its way into one of the local liberal rags and certainly not into the Oregonian or Tribune, I’ll stop here. I kind of apologize to the hipsters if I offended you. Just remember I don’t hate you for being you, so don’t hate me for being me, fair? Plus. . .you’re a hipster, you shouldn't’t take yourself serious enough to be offended. For you spandex clad roadies. . .you irritate me, biking is exercise why are you trying to reduce your resistance if you’re out for the exercise? Save the leggings for a race or a stripper or something.

Peace and chain ring grease.